SNL lives on, and is totally awesome.

Examples? Examples.

My Latest "B" Crush

Safe to say that while Bruce Campbell will always be the king--and in Bubba-Ho-Tep, literally The King-- I think I've found the next prince of the Sci-Fi Channel prom. He's yet to do one of the infamous Sci-Fi tv movies, but he's headed that way. Meet Jason Behr:



He was in The Grudge, yes. An excellently put-together movie. But Bruce Campbell had the genius of Evil Dead. He had Roswell, a pretty successful tv series. Bruce Campbell rocked Xena and Hercules. The road to B-movies is paved with good horror projects.

Why Jason?

1. Dragon Wars (or D-Wars)
2. Skinwalkers

Enough said. Here's to you, Jason Behr. And all those alien/killer shark/killer bees/piranha/apocalypse movies I see in your future...

and let's be honest, kinda-sorta-really hoping to star in them with you.

Someone decided to spice up a hymnal...

...and that spice was LSD. Seriously, someone was busting out some mad rhymes for the Episcopal hymnal hit parade, decided to stop to pop a few 'shrooms and listen to Yellow Submarine. When he came down a few hours later, he realized he was clutching a pen and bar napkin in his hand. And THIS was written on that napkin.

Communal Hymn 463

1. He is the Way
Follow him through the Land of Un-like-ness;
You will see rare beasts
and have unique adventures.

2. He is the Truth.
Seek him in the Kingdom of Anxiety:
You will come to a great city
that has expected your return for years.

3. He is the Life.
Love him in the World of the Flesh:
and at your marriage all its occasions
shall dance for joy.

What? What?! What?!?!

I'm going to hit some key points here:

1. Is this based on The Bible, or GULLIVER'S TRAVELS?

2. Rare beasts? Like, ostriches? A platypus? A liger? We're going on safari to heaven?

3. Unique adventures? Sounds like a bad translation of the title of a Japanese tv show. Or a brand of condom. Yes, I was thinking about condoms in church. I'm a very bad person who needs to go to more church to clean out my gutterbrain.

4. The Kingdom of ANXIETY? That sounds terrible! Why would I want to go there? Apprently its full of people who've expected my return for years. Waiting for years for someone to show up IN THE KINGDOM OF ANXIETY? Don't they have enough of their own anxiety, they have to wait for me to show up? Are they freaking out, thinking I'm gonna be late, or that they gave me the wrong directions? I bet all their heads are exploding right now from the stress.

and I saved the most disturbing part for last..

5. Love him in The World Of FLESH??? Love Jesus where? Thailand? How can this be seen as anything other than horrifically dirty?

WHAT?

Tornadoes go best with a dash of Campbell...

BRUCE Campbell! Tornado! was made right about the time Twister was, with a special effects budget of, oh, I don't know, maybe two cents, food stamps, and a cracker. But you know what Twister doesn't have?

That's right. Bruce Shinyteeth Sexypants McBruce McCampbell. I give it two thumbs and a can of Axe Body spray up!

Why else should you see it? Because I'll throw in the black Ghostbuster for free free free!




So shut up and watch it!

I Don't Know What It Is...

...but somehow, every time I have to put new oil in my car (the only thing I know how to do under a hood, really) and my sleeves are all rolled up, and there's a smudge of grease on my face, because my eyebrow always gets itchy when there's oil on my hands for some reason, I feel like Kaylee. And that is an awesome happy feeling.

Death By Chocolate!

If I ever have to stare into the cold, unforgiving eyes of the Grim Reaper, I hope he looks a little something like Ashton Kutcher in a chocolate bar costume. I think it will make the whole process a little easier for me. Because, hey, I like hot guys, and I L-O-V-E love chcolate.

Get Mortified!

My new favorite haunt in Hollywood is the monthly Mortified Live event at King King...below is a beautiful treat of an example. I wish I'd been there for this one. I was present, however, for a Christian rock accoustic performance of a woman's song, written when she was a teenager, for a Cure-loving friend she thought was going to Hell. This woman, now an adult, was accompanied on tamborine by the drummer from The Cure. They brought down the house.

Damn Dirty Reds!

Lately I've been having some abstract thoughts about fate and destiny and where we end up over time. I've been thinking about my ancestors, because as anyone from behind the Zion Curtain (aka Utah) can tell you, ancestor info is all the rage. I've been trying to nail it down more concretely, and the basic three in my bloodstream are Russian, Prussian, and German. Oh, and there's like one Scottish guy and handful of bozos from Wales or something. So I guess that's five, but the biggies are those three. Russia, Prussia, and Germany. And I'm somewhere beyond fourth or fifth generation American, but there's some big what-ifs on my mind. Yeah, many of those people were Mennonites or Pacifists or both, and that's why they bailed on Europe, but what if they'd stayed? What if some of them, the ones who are the result of me being here, decided not to be Mennonite farmers? If a handful of people chose Path A instead of Path B, could my Grandfather have fought for Nazi Germany instead of serving on a US Navy Battleship in the South Pacific? Heavy thought. And along the other side....could I have been born, if life were different, into (GASP) COMMUNIST RUSSIA???

Think of it...Lola B, a damn dirty Red! I don't know why, but Communism has always been a little amusing to me, and a little fascinating.

1. I remember the map they would try to pull down in Elementary school, that would always snap itself right back up a couple of times, and looking at the giant chunk of the world that was colored red and labled USSR.

2. I remember in seventh grade reading Animal Farm for the first time, and being very upset with the ending. I rewrote it. In my version Snowball returns to the farm and all is restored to its former glory. Then someone informed me that the book was an allegory. Then they had to explain the Russian Revolution to me.

3. I remember in High School a few years later when we discussed The Crucible and the Red Scare and McCarthy being a balding bastard. I remember thinking, "How weird. I wonder if its depressing."

4. Then I saw the movie White Nights with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov and thinking "Wow, those were some awesome dance moves. And man, is Communist Russia DEPRESSING."

When the Berlin Wall fell, my whole Elementary school was shook up. We weren't sure why we were so excited, but a bunch of people on tv were trashing a wall, and then running through the holes to hug other people on the other side. A girl in my class had some relative over there, and he'd sent her a piece. We all touched that chunk of concrete and thought, "This means something, but we have no idea what."

I think as a result of all these things, I decided somewhere down the line that Communism was freaking hilarious. I'm not sure why. Communism jokes, left and right! Ba-zing!

Recently, as you know, dear readers, I went aboard the Queen Mary. I also accompanied my Tom Clancy-OBSESSED father aboard the Scorpion, a sweet-ass submarine on display. We scrambled through and out the other side. I took mental note of the walls of the bunks. No pinups, no personal items. Just very stern photos of people in peacoats and furry hats. NOT smiling. Wow, party animals, those Party Leaders. I imagined myself at a disco with Lenin. Then I walked the rest of the tiny sub talking in a bad Russian accent and pretending to fire torpedoes.

There's really no point to this blog. I was just thinking about Commies. And about the idea that, if the coin was flipped, if I wouldn't think it was so damn funny after all.

Oh well. I close with a moment, when watching a first-year AADA production of Waiting For Lefty, a character accuses another of being a Red, and a coward. He then declares "We all know that red and yellow make a dirty color!"

To which Lelanie turned to me and whispered, "Orange?"

Easily the best ten minutes in television....

I'm a sucker for the U.S. version of The Office, but the BBC one will always hold a place in my heart. Mainly for the last ten minutes. Behold, and swoon.