Evil Turkey Dodging Bastards (and Katherine Tate) for Christmas!

Happy Holidays, everypeeps. I'm hoping to get a Snowzilla for Christmas. Taking notes, Utah? You've got 24 hours to make my belated Christmas dreams come true. SNOWZILLA! SNOWZILLA! SNOWZILLA!

...and maybe a Camp Rock Barbie. Preferably Mitchie? I'll let you get to work.

The Lonely Island Strikes Again!

Send the kids to bed, or at least be prepared to explain something.

Also, who's letting their kids read this blog? I'm calling child services on you.

Whimsy from the Motherland

Who says Commie war memorials can't have fun?




Artist Kamila Szejnoch installed a swing on an old communist monument in Warsaw, Poland. How cool is that?

Kamila Szejnoch's work is the winner of Szpilman Award 2008 (event that awards works that only exist for a moment or a short period of time, promoting ephemeral situations). Her project consists of installing a tiny swing at the monumental bronze 'Berling Army Soldier' in Warsaw. She suggests a change in the function of the monuments, attempting to build a bridge between the present and the past, adding a contemporary layer distinct from their original style and function.

Do YOU suffer from LGS?

My homie Chris gots a commercial!

Imported Snark from Behind the Zion Curtain

Kudos to Amanda Jean for my awesomely hilarious link to Prop 8: The Musical (see last post)! Deja vu, dear readers? Yes, I did in fact say that in the post that included the hilarious video treat, when I bummed it off of Amanda's blog. Recently I bopped over to see what is up on her blog...to find out that I have someone named Anonymous--what an odd name!--to thank for a reminder that I made the right decision to bail myself out of Hate Country, USA. Oops, I mean Mormon central.

Dear old Anonymous writes:

I'd rather take my political advice from the prophet (who speaks for the ACTUAL Jesus Christ)rather than Jack Black.

All I can say is this; I am so proud of Anonymous for using his real name to stand up for what he believes instead of sneaking around snarking up blogs. I'd hate for him to seem embarassed or defensive about what is obviously an informed and Christian opinion. Kudos to you, Anonymous. Kudos to you.

Prop 8! The Musical!

Starring.....EVERYBODY.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

A million gay kisses to Amanda for the link.

Patriotism is Undrinkable

I noticed a week ago that one of our neighborhood fancyvans has undergone a sad transformation. There's a fleet of advertising vehicles that park up and down our street. One house has a portable dog grooming business van. There's two AAA trucks. There's a car that says MA MOTOK on the vanity plate. I can only assume he's a professional Druid and that means something about runes or Stonehenge or something. I've never seen them to ask. And there used to be this stirring creature, a white van emblazoned with a hearty name! OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! It's AMERICA'S BEST ENERGY DRINK! It's the drink of patriots! I bet if George Washington had lived in a time when energy drinks had been invented, he'd have left the Red Bulls and Rock Stars to the damn Hessians and Redcoats. He'd have had a nice hearty swig of OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! before crossing the Delaware.

Well unfortunately for George Washington and all the people he would have saved if he'd had such a thing to prep himself pre-battle, OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! is no more. At least the van on my street is no more. All the bright mobile red-white-and-blue is torn off. The wicked fierce eagle heads on the two back windows of the rear doors have flown away.



The American dream is dying. At least the drinkable one. I blame that communist energy drink all the kids who voted for Obama are drinking these days.

Hillary in the Hizzouse!!

Today is a happy day for me. Why? Because my homegirl Hillary is in the house! The White House, that is! Ha ha ha! For those of you at home, that is my triumphant laugh. I am an unapologetic Hillary Clinton fan. I think she's awesome and rad. I think she's got what it takes to get shit done. She's not one of the cute-as-a-button, mascot-to-the-big-boys gals that get trotted out whenever certain political factions want to distract everyone from their blatant sexism. (COUGH sarah palin COUGH) She's a grown woman who doesn't worry about looking sweet or cute or gracious when she's in the ring. She worries about getting shit done. God forbid a woman get agressive or gasp! unladylike! She must be a raging bull-dyke!

She's a lightening rod for all those pompous old men who want women in their place, even if they are silly enough to be in political office. Certain people in this country believe wholeheartedly, women, that you can be in office, as long as you're spending all your free time cooking moose chili for your children, and their..um....love child, and not pushing your own career forward or reading up on the issues. She pulls all their fears of strong non-adorable women out of the woodwork and doesn't back down from all that moldy spiteful muckraking. I think Tina Fey said it all. Lets look back at it:



I'd love her as president, and I'm super mega thrilled that Obama is bringing her on board! Guess what, people! The new administration is about to kick prejudice and apathy and condescending white men IN THE FACE.

But not literally. I mean the white men part. No kicking of them. Althought some of them, I would love to see that too. I would PAY to see that, actually.

Twenty bucks, people. Twenty bucks to kick this guy in the face.



BEGIN.

Absolutely no deep thinking required...

Just awesome things. I've watched all of these at least five times in the past week. I'm not even the tiniest bit ashamed to admit it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

HAMSTER ON A PIANO!



GEORGE WASHINGTON! And his Mason Ring and schnauzer and his PERFECT HANDS!


DOBERMAN ON A WATER SLIDE!



and finally, I leave you with the disconcerting sounds of SCREAMING PUG!



Ha ha ha! Earsplitting!

You can all thank me later for this happy break in your productive schedule. I know you're happy. You're welcome.

No Retirement for Old Jews

So over on Beverly and Fairfax is a delightful cheapie theatre. It isn't a good-old-fashioned Salt Lake dollar theater (or "The Dollars" as we called em) but its the LA equivalent and just as fashionably run-down. While moseying over to watch me some Religilous (hilarious, btw) I walked past a place I've been walking past for ages when I worked over at Duck Soup (or "The Soup" as I called it) at Farmer's Market. To get to and from my car when I park on this particular street, I have to walk down a portion of street I refer to as Retirement Alley. You'll notice there are a plethora of nicknames in my life. Sue me. Two retirement homes are right across the street from each other, and apparently one of the favorite games of everyone in both of these buildings is Sit Out Front and Stare Blankly at Everyone Sitting in Front of the Opposite Old Folks Home!! I don't know how the point system works, but everyone seems really into it.

So imagine my surprise when I realize that one of these buildings seems to have lost its entire team...what was once SHALOM RETIREMENT HOTEL, formerly a mecca of old wrinkly Jews, has become...

SILVERADO SENIOR LIVING!

Yeehaw! I reckon we drove out all them Jews and are ready to settle this fine street with old cowboys of our own!

And the place isn't being slowly remodeled. EVERYONE IS GONE. Where did they go? Don't worry, I won't make a Warsaw joke. I'd rather not go to Hell today.

Listen the F*** up to Keith Olbermann

History Repeats Itself

Some people see my bookshelf, or catch me reading a book on my downtime, and ask "Um...is this for a history class?" Because apparently it isn't normal for me to relish reading The History of the Wife or The Fasting Girl the way most people suck up the Oprah Book Club selections. What I have to say to you is this... A) I with I was still in mo-fo school, but I'm too damn poor. B) History repeats itself, and if you don't know, you'll be baffled by what happens in our day and age. C) When these things happen, there's always a huge chunk of the population who start ranting about the DOWNFALL OF SOCIETY! THE LOOSENESS OF OUR MORALS! THE END TIMES! You all just want to think you're so damn special God saved all the fireworks for the years YOU spend on this earth..because all the schmucks who came before didn't have ANYTHING heavy to handle themselves to earn the Second Coming.

Put down your copy of Left Behind, turn off Fox News, and actually pick up a history book. Want examples of the things we think the KIDS TODAY or THE SINFUL WORLD today has invented in our lifetimes? Here you go, drama queens!

1. Horrible agricultural disasters like what's happening in Asia!

2. "Unnatural" marriages that will corrupt society! So morally disgusting!

3. Freaky faux-scientific cults!

4. Scam new age religions!

5. religions that are loosely based on Biblical teachings!

6. Freaky liberal lesbionic women who probably have penises!

7. Someone who is totally definitely the Antichrist! Who else could possibly be more evil! We've got the most evil guy for the job!

8. Society dealing with ABORTION!

So get over yourselves.

Thanksgiving Treats with Vincent Price

Clever Things = Lola Happy

Check it out! I'm on a skateboard! (Kudos to Paul for this one.)



And this as well...I found this a few months ago but never put it up (I don't think. I'm too lazy to check the archives.) and now I can't find the original story. Luckily for me, Boingboing.net put it up for me to steal. Someone filled this thing with mini-adventures you can take across NYC, map or clues. The day I have a bit of cash and I can get my hands on some free time and a gumball machine, I plan on doing something like this. Fo real.

We Are Wizards!

Anyone who knows me well has had to listen to my favorite iPod playlist. Right below my Disney Channel playlist and the new weirdo jams burned for me by Hannah is an enthusiastically titled WIZARD ROCK!!!!!

Want to know more? Then I have a new documentary for you!



We Are Wizards explores the world of this superfun library-rocking, Potter-loving, awesomeness. There's no room to look like a badass, just room to play and geek out!
Get a little Wrock in your life. Even if you're like The Roommate, and my latest Parselmouths tune causes her to shriek "Is this MORE Wizard Rock???" You can enjoy a good documentary. So either way you'll be learning something. Don't you like to learn?

Of course you do.

I founds it!

I've been lusting after another gander at sketch series from SNL from a few years past, and now NBC was kind enough to slap more of it up for me!



Thanks SNL! You're my best friend!

Oh, yeah, and SOME GUY GOT ELECTED!

Dr. Steel Episode 2!

So the first and third ones came out before this one, but scope out my friend Dan Gilbert guest-starring in this little treat. Make some cupcakes and curl up with your favorite experiments in front of the computer screen.

Apparently we had some Toy Soldiers at Six Flags last night. Salutations, comrades. Good luck with that Utopian Playland!

In other news, Fright Fest will soon come to an end, so get there while you can. Getting the poo scared out of you by clowns was on your to-do list this year and you know it..

Taking In A Little Doctor Steel

He's got a damn good point.

Yet Another Mystery Sign I've Found

Whatever this notice is, it all sounds so official, so mundane...and yet it's written on a yellow piece of paper in sharpie...and it refers to A DEAD CAT. With EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!! They're reeeeally happy about someone picking up their deceased pet? Creepy. Super creeps. Creepier than that Quarantine movie I saw today. Which was pretty friggin creepy and scary.

But seriously, what?? I'm never letting my cats out. That is one sinister (yet enthusiastic!) sign. In my driveway. With bits of tape stuck to it.

Gahhhh.

Obey!

Sarah Palin of the Future

We've all seen a certain party mascot with glasses and a baffled-but-adorable expression on the tv these days. We've all seen her trying to flash some dimples and pearly whites to charm her way out of any actual question asked of her on ANY ACTUAL OPINION SHE HAS. She's adorable, in her little candy-colored suit with peter pan collars. But I wonder something these days. What will Sarah Palin, the woman who would happily nail any steps any suffragette ever took for our rights as women into their premature coffins, well, what she look like? What would this little ventriloquist puppet of the GOP spouting whatever platitudes they think will cover her own personality and failings as a VP candidate be in later days? What will she evolve into as her party molds their good little obedient hausfrau? Well, little wizards and muggles, lets all break out our Time-Turning necklaces and take a trip into the future:

From this...



to THIS.

Busy Ass BusyBee

Yep, that's what I am. Things I've got on my plate...

A. Job #1
B. Job #2
C. A project I'm keeping under wraps but more info when I can...but its awesome.
D. FINISHED A STORY. :)

If you would like to read the story, feel free to contact me, fellow readers.

As for item C, you will be very pleased with me when I can tell you.

Aren't I cheeky and mysterious?

The Cult of Cats

So we've all been getting them. They're the only forwards I open, because I actually get excited. As someone who has a cameraphone filled with pictures of my cat, I'm very into the simple joys...of LOLcats. Here are a few of my favorites...





With all the stuff I have to get done these days, I like the little laughs. And of course the cats.

Sincerely,

Cat Lady Lola

Seriously, Republicans, CHOKE ON THIS.

The bloated powermongers are full of shit. FACT.

If you are young....

VOTE.

If you are young, old, middle-aged, a man, a woman, a minority, an immigrant, a student, someone working their ass off just to make rent and pay the bills, an artist, a lawyer, an accountant, a son or daughter or mother or father or cousin or neighbor....

Seriously, pleeeeeease vote.



I know there are those of you out there saying "It doesn't matter if I vote, because it doesn't count. It isn't going to change anything."

Well....



think about this.

This country is full of YOUNG PEOPLE sick of the corruption and lies. We didn't put our lives on the line, burn draft cards, or march for Women's Votes or Civil Rights. Those lives risked were those who came before us, to GIVE US THE HARD-WON RIGHT to VOTE. And we're just throwing it away.




Think about it this way.

Many, many pennies add up to hundreds of hundreds of dollars. It's easy to look at a single cent and say "I can't buy anything with this." But if there was a big bucket, and everyone who thought their penny was worthless threw it into that huge bucket, there would be thousands of dollars.

Yeah, that would be one great big bucket. But your penny would be a part of that formidable pile of money. You would have helped make that mountain of pennies. You would have a stake in that pile of pennies.

And what if that money was used to get people off the street, to rebuild homes destroyed by natural disasters, to pay for the food and health insurance and education hundreds of thousands of people don't have and can't afford? You would have been a part of that.

So what if you didn't put in your penny? Well, you wouldn't be the only one thinking yours didn't matter. If you listened to that little voice, so would many others, if not all the others, and there wouldn't be anything in that bucket, and all those in need would be utterly abandoned.

Your vote seems little to you, but those votes add up. And if you put them behind the best man for the job, the man who will finally make CHANGE happen, they will be worth their weight a million times over in gold.

If every one of us sitting on our couches at home bitching about how little their votes mean, about how pointless CONTRIBUTING TO THE CHOICE OF LEADERSHIP OF YOUR COUNTRY is, about how it isn't going to make a difference anyway....

If you are out there, and this sounds familiar, get off your apathetic asses and VOTE. You say your candidate won't win. This is always a possibility in life. Nothing is certain. But I've never heard of anyone regretting their decision to take a chance and stand up for something.

I've never once heard of someone regretting their decision to stand up for what they believe in. That ALWAYS matters.

And I'm just gonna say it, people. I'll save you all the stuff about how the people who marched in Birmingham in the 60s, or down the streets of New York in the 1900s, gave their lives because they realized that one person CAN make a difference, and when a whole lot of ONE PERSONs get together, you've got a MOVEMENT.

In order to create a MOVEMENT, you've actually got to MOVE. To get up, to act. To VOTE.

If you don't VOTE for the right person, your inactivity is a vote in favor of the WRONG person. You aren't staying out of it. You're handing your vote to the enemy, to the person who represents what you think is wrong in politics, who is crushing the changes that need to be made.

If you've been NOT VOTING since you were old enough to vote (18, the age that, again, young people fought for) than you have been handing your votes to George Bush every four years like a little prettily wrapped birthday present, and you'll do the same for McCain. By not raising your voice where it can be heard by all, you've made it clear that you're fine with things the way they are.
If you don't vote, remember that, in absentia, you've voted to keep things exactly as they are; stagnant, arrogant, and wrong.

Bunking It

I had a conversation with a few people about bunk beds today, and it got me thinking about them. As a kid, they seem really great, until you're sick of sharing your damn room with your sister who farts in her sleep ON THE TOP BUNK. As an adult, I had roommates who got the fancy to free up apartment space by going bunk...and that bunk bed was out on the street within a week. In a catalog world, its a utopia of compact living. In real life, we only put up with it if we're little and our parents have a lot of kids or few rooms.

But part of me wants to buy one of these little gems I googled, just for myself. If I ever end up in a studio apartment....look out, here comes bunk bed house! I'll be eating my breakfast on a bottom bunk!

Behold the bunk glory...



My childhood bunk bed was from the seventies. This one is from the AWESOME. I'm serious, if I lived alone, and it was between this and a nice grown-up bedroom set...no competition. You know how the first time you bring a guy home, you're all awkward? You give them "the tour" and excuse the mess, hoping they're not digusted, or changing their mind. Those worries? GONE. He'll stay over just to pretend he's a pirate on your top bunk. And yes, I know that sounds dirty.

I just keep dreaming of how great every day would be if I woke up in this amazing creation. Someday....



My last bed once floated atop the seas. This one lives beneath the sea. I think there's a curtain across that porthole at the end of the bottom bunk, which I like, but otherwise, it seems a little claustrophobic. I'm intrigued by the desk-thing covered with little soccer players bottom left. Where's the soccer-player bunk bed? Goooooal!



I put this one in here to demonstrate how boring sleeping arrangements will be for children in the future. Sleepover? Yawwn.



I LOVEloveLOVE this one. However, unlike my first example, this would send anyone you bring home screaming for the door before you had a chance to introduce them to each of your stuffed animals. By name.



I would make a joke about this bed, but I just....can't...seem...to...see...it.



IT HURTS MY EYES. I bet the mattress is full of little metal ball-bearings and owl feathers. You know, for ART.

And I saved the best for last. Friend in from out of town? Sure, sleep on the couch! TWO friends in from out of town? No problem! Simply open the couch into...



A BUNK BED!

Final conclusion: Screw it, I'll live a chaste life in my cute and cozy dollhouse bed! I'll have my Disney movies to keep me company.

The Sexiest Song in the World

This is what I rock in my car these days. Who doesn't need a 1987 Casio DG-20 electric guitar now and then...set to... electric mandolin?

Horrible = Wonderful

As a Joss Whedon fan, you'd think I'd clue into this sooner, but I was just recently turned on to Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. Who am I kidding, that's been going on for awhile, respectively. But this time, its the two of them, and its because of this...

Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog!

If you've seen it, you're cool. If you haven't, then you should. If you have the soundtrack, you're Tosca and I want it. NOW.

Let California Ring!

I recently saw this commercial for a great organization...Let California Ring is dedicated to helping people understand the importance of supporting gay and lesbian marriage in California and the world. I spent vacation time as a child with my mother's good friend Julie and her partner and their daughter Jessica. I knew a man who died of AIDS when I was still young, another of my Mother's friends. When he died, his will and wishes were ignored. His family, who had rejected him decades earlier, arrived in town to claim the body. They weren't there to nurse him while he died. His partner of many years WAS. And that loving partner wasn't even allowed to attend the funeral. He had no rights legally to honor his loyal partner's dying wishes. If gay marriage were legal, this travesty wouldn't have happened.

I also recommend a documentary called For The Bible Tells Me So. It will really enlighten you, promise!



Let California Ring!

My Clone of Soy?

The Soy Joy nutrition bar (which I'm sure tastes of cardboard, like most foods in bar form, minus the various caramels, nougats, and chocolates in bar forms) has a commercial featuring a cartoon lady bobbing along through a park, discovering the joys of soy, jumping rope, and making out with random strangers. Sounds like the kind of things (minus the soy) that I would truly enjoy doing in a park on a summer day. Fictional animation or blatant imitation of me? You be the judge:

How Crazy is This?

Very crazy.

MY kind of awesome crazy. (Kudos to Urban Prankster for the link!)

Man On Wire
Published by Charlie Toddon August 1, 2008


Man on Wire is a new documentary currently in limited release about an amazing stunt that took place at the World Trade Center in 1974.

On August 7th 1974, a young Frenchman called Philippe Petit stepped out on a wire suspended between New York’s twin towers, then the world’s tallest buildings. After an hour dancing on the wire, with no safety net or harness, he was arrested and thrown into an underground prison. Until that moment no one but Petit and his team of accomplices, who had spent months planning their illegal ‘coup’ (as they referred to it amongst themselves) knew anything about it.

Born out of a dream and an idea, Petit and his team of accomplices spent eight months planning the execution of their ‘coup’ in the most intricate detail. Like a team of professional bank robbers planning their most ambitious heist, the tasks they faced seemed virtually insurmountable: they would have to find a way to bypass the WTC’s security; to smuggle the wire and rigging equipment into the towers; to suspend the wire between the two towers; to secure the wire at the correct tension to withstand the winds and the swaying of the buildings; to rig it secretly by night - all without being caught. Not to mention the walk itself…

If anyone was planning to buy me a REALLY AWESOME birthday present...

...I thought I might drop a HINT HINT HINT!

I would cry tears of big fat plastic 80's joy. Like, totally.

Diabolical Dentistry

Once upon a time, in a movie called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, this guy used some pretty painted wooden puppets (okay, nutcrackers) to lure unsuspecting children into a whole lot of unfunny:



Someone out in Pasadena no sensible child would EVER want to see is up to the same old Chitty Chitty Tricks Tricks.



Hey kids! Your mother cheerily announces. We're going to go see A PUPPET SHOW!!!

FALSE. You are being TRICKED. You are walking INTO A TRAP.



Trust NO ONE. Especially the puppetmasters.

The Pad Will Always Return

Location: Pepperdine Dorms
Item: a magazine ad for an overnight lady-napkin, inexplicably taped onto a hallway bulletin board.

This cozy little feminine napkin (or "party favor" as we called them at G-Scout camp) advert, all tucked in for the night, first appeared on day one. I can't say whether or not it was there when we moved in, or if it was taped up in that chaotic first few hours of camp, but it amused and intrigued me.

Within a day, it had been torn down.

A day later, it returned. And it was NOT SHY ABOUT IT.



IT. WAS. BACK.

For what? Revenge? Out of love? Or was it sheer defiance?



The world will never know. It was gone again half a day later, the little corners still taped to the board where it had been ripped away.

So I guess the only person more amusing to me than this mystery pad-advocate (or "padvocate") is....the equally unknown person who REALLY HATES PICTURES OF PADS.

Musings From Malibu

Yeccchh. Could I have picked a cheesier title? I had to use it. It was too cornball to pass up. This should be dating column for Pepperdine students who can't decide whether they are SO over dating Law Majors or SO not. It's a bit wasted on me, as I am merely a humble camp counselor in a borrowed dorm with no head for litigation and a spooky Lois Duncan novel for company.

But I am thinking deep things. I totally swears. Listening to my Common Rotation playlist and blinking in the ghastly light of my flourescent dorm lighting and hashing out the next step for a story I'm writing.
Seriously, though, Pepperdine? Installing overhead reading light that could be set to "Stun" or "Kill" is NOT the best of options for your student housing. I'm guessing year-round Pep Students bring in lamps by the sackful to avoid EVER accidentally switching this concentration deathtrap on. Oh well, I'm here a week, and with the view I have in the golden sunlight, who cares what the night will bring?

Although I'm hoping it involves sleep. Please let the nights involve sleep.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

*head a splode*

Someone is LIVING MY LIFE.

It's this bitch.

Tonight, an album saved my life...

FACT.

Beware The Dumpster Children

So I'm strolling out the back door to my car for another thrilling-ass shift selling snacks to rich kids by a pool, and I see what NO ONE wants to see at nine in the morning, or ever...

A CREEPY STATUE. A grimacing, pasty-faced, child-demon piece of kitsch. Which as somehow been perched on the very top of the big dumpster. I wonder what's happened here...did it escape on its own and sheltered up there to avoid dangerous car wheels and the angry children of the little old lady it murdered in a supernatural frenzy? Or has it been placed there by some bizarre urban cult? I let you be the judge:

Back to that Banana...

Not that anyone with a brain and a lack of propaganda in their upbringing needs the information, but "Creationism" (a ridiculous name for a movement, after all, evolution CREATES new breeds and species!) is our era of Christian history's answer to the Vatican's condemnation of the heretical Muslim mathematics in the Middle Ages. Say that five times fast! Science is bad. Bible good. People have based their own personal ideas on what the Bible says and means by what's written in their particular translation of the holy book. The Bible was written by many different men of God, and translated hundreds of times over the ages. (For more info on that, I suggest you read Misquoting Jesus by Bard Ehrman) People take what can be a vague and contradictory book full of books and pick whatever verses they want to back up whatever theory they've already decided is the right one.
We've all heard of a certain verse in Leviticus about a certain form of abomination...but no one's been condemned to Hell lately by these wrathful Anti-Sin crusaders for oh, say, eating Shrimp (Leviticus 11:9-12) , or wearing a cotton-poly blend shirt (Leviticus 19:19), or shaving off a beard (Leviticus 19:27).
In modern-day America we're safe from being burned at the stake for heresy, but the backwards idea of avoiding scientific explanation of the universe because it will somehow prove your religion a lie somewhere along the line proves that you don't really have faith in God's ability to be God. God is not the opposite of knowledge and science. He gave us the CAPACITY TO DISCOVER IT.

Whoops, somebody hopped on the Rant Train. I'm gonna hop off that one now. But I leave you with this:

The Bananas Are STICKING IT To All Those Godless Evolutionists

FACT: The banana is the ATHEIST'S NIGHTMARE.

FACT: Kirk Cameron is staring with an expression of glazed joy...at a man caressing a banana.

I'm just saying.

Can I Move In, Hef?

We all find a show that we never ever thought we'd get into. We all start watching some random piece of tv, and end up totally obsessed with the lives of someone. Well, not only am I watching episodes of The Girls Next Door as often as they air, but get this:

I'm learning life lessons from The Girls Next Door.

No, I'm serious. Holly is totally in love with a very old dude version of Hugh Hefner, and she's obviously really, really in love. She takes care of Kendra and Bridget, and makes sure everything runs smoothly. That's the kind of devotion we all need in love and life. (Of course if he's the man responsible for the Playboy empire, and rich as Croesus, he's easy to love.) She's passionate about working with Playboy behind the camera, and comfortable in front of the camera too with all her hotness. She's a hard worker with a kind heart and a smokin' bod. Go Holly.

From Kendra I learned to love and blare my retarded guffaw of a laugh and wear it with pride. I sound like a dolphin fresh off the short bus, but I'm ME, enjoying a ME laugh. I also learned to embrace my love of franchise restaurants. Olive Garden is pretty tasty, even if you're recommending it to, oh, say, Roberto Cavalli. I myself consider Chili's a damn fine evening, no matter who you're entertaining, be it the Pope or a roommate. What? Represent.

And I just love love love love Bridget. If I could ever humbly dwell in the mansion with the girls and their many dogs and dear old Hef, I'd be knocking on her door five minutes after I moved in. We both love Halloween, we're both mentally five, and she's full of the childish joy I wish I had in larger doses. From Bridget I've learned that even supersexy Playmate-Girlfriends don't have to have six-pack-abs, and you're never too old to throw theme birthdays.

So, Ladies and Hef, if you let me come and stay, I'd be forever in your debt. Just don't ask me to sleep with Old Hef. (Give me a time machine and I'd go for Young Hef.) But let me fill your house with good vibes, walk your dogs, and grace your Midsummer Night's Party with my cheer and curvy loveliness?



Please?

Never Trust A Man Who Won't Let Us Fart

I thought I'd pass along a blog from CollegeCandy.com that got me all fired up today. Not since the Girls Aren't Funny debacle has my inner comedienne felt the fighting words call me out....kudos for Sady for this delightful dollop of pure wit. I too would pay a million dollars to watch Cameron Diaz hold this guy down and fart on his face, Salute-Your-Shorts Style.

I Farted, But You Stink: John Sellers Decides Who's Sexy

Ladies of the world: stop your farting. Also, stop burping, spitting, sweating, and digesting food. Details writer John Sellers has spoken, and it’s bad news: we are not getting him off.

I know! I know! Everything that I do is intended to give John Sellers – and, by extension, all men – raging boners. I think of him all day long, from selecting my outfit in the morning until the moment that I slip between the covers to dream of his sweet, manly embrace. I imagine that it’s much the same for you. He is Details writer John Sellers, for God’s sake. The female half of the world hangs on his every byline.

Yet, in his recent piece, “The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls,” it’s clear that we have failed him greatly. It’s ostensibly about women who make fart jokes (or burp jokes, or poop jokes, etc.) and how horrible they are. (I know, right? Having a functional set of organs is totally grody. It’s even worse when women aren’t ashamed of their own bodies! Yuck.) Yet its underlying theme is far simpler: J.S. wants women – all women – to know that their purpose in life is to turn him on.

“It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O’Donnell,” he writes. “But the trouble is they’re all smoking hot. It’s their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy.”

That’s right: their JOB! Take a look at the offenders that he lists in his article: Cameron Diaz (burped on TV), Sarah Silverman (makes poop jokes), Avril Lavigne (spit in public). You might look at this list and think actress, comedian, musician. You would be wrong. No matter what these ladies do to earn a living, they share the same occupation: provider of masturbatory fantasies to John Sellers. And they are failing.

So, what does this gentleman find sexy? It’s clearly not fat chicks! Or Cameron Diaz! So, what is it? Tell us, John!

Most guys would agree that it’s kind of hot when women aren’t too girly. Far from being rendered intolerable by a few tomboyish traits, a woman who wants to go to a baseball game with you or skips a glass of rosé in favor of a few Buds at your favorite dive bar is a turn-on.Got that, ladies? When you sacrifice your own interests so that you can do whatever your boyfriend wants, it’s TOTALLY HOT! Who wants a girl with her own hobbies, or – God forbid – her own favorite drink?

And lots of guys find a girl dressed in a hoodie, T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers to be sexy.

OH THANK GOD. It’s okay to wear pants sometimes, because they give dudes hard-ons! Before this article clued me in, my entire wardrobe consisted of sparkly thongs and high-heeled platforms. Let me tell you: the winters were tough.

Yet, although John has generously allowed us to wear clothing and drink beer, we’ll never be able to match the glory of real live dudes. Farting? Spitting? Running for President? Dudes have it all covered.

If we want to hang out with someone who behaves like a man, we’ll hang out with, you know, an actual man.

Of course. So, John: I know it’s cute when girls wear sneakers and know how baseball works – it’s like dogs wearing people clothes! – and gross when we act like “men” by, like, having autonomy and not tailoring our every gesture to please the dudes. But can you give us an example? Is there, perhaps, an actress on whom we could model ourselves?

See Natalie Portman, who rapped and swore mannishly (and hilariously) in a much-YouTubed Saturday Night Live sketch but has preserved her schoolgirlish appeal.

Oh, thanks John! That’s…. wait. WHAT? “Schoolgirlish appeal?” Oh my sweet Jesus, he likes women who act like little… EW.

EW. EW. EW.

Wait. Hold on. Let me collect myself.

OH NO OH GOD I CAN’T EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

I don’t have to explain why this is bad, do I? Everyone knows that it’s not OK to excoriate women publicly for not being “sexy,” because that’s based on the assumption that women exist to service men sexually, and that their worth is determined by men’s desire or lack of desire for said service. You go to college. You get it. So I’ll put aside the social critique, and say, simply, this:

I don’t normally laugh at fart jokes. But, for some reason, the idea of Cameron Diaz pinning this man down and farting on his face until he cries… well, that’s hilarious.

Disney has some cartoon skeletons in theys closet...

Alladin? Beauty and the Beast? Sure, there's the ever-present knowledge that while Splash Mountain is covered with Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox, the friendly black slave who whistled along with them as he strolled the plantation telling stories to happy white children in the film Song of the South, is not available on DVD.



But chain-smoking, verbally abusive, perpetually cranky old Uncle Walt also brought about a few more treats that won't find their way onto Disney giftshop merch....

Lets begin!

1. Remember Sunflower? The happy little black centaur from Fantasia who prances in the orchestrated grass and....helps all the tall aryan centauresses get ready? Don't remember her? She's vanished like she never was. But here she is.





2. During the war years, animation took a break from creating a happy wonderland, and took us all on a tour of Nazi Germany. Um, cool?



And now you know. Disneyland, anyone? I want to hop on Indiana Jones and pretend Shia LaBeouf is whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

Save the Date

Things to do between now and mid-June:

1. Read Mortified

2. Read Mortified: Love is a Battlefield

3. Come see ME! onstage with the wonderful folks at Mortified Live! on June 19th in Hollywood!

4. Then confess your love for Mr. Belvedere. No, seriously, do it. After all, he did invent the Double-Stuf Oreo.

Pork and Beans and The Vars!

WEEZER RED ALBUM. WEEZER MOTHER FUCKING RED ALBUM. MAKE OUT WITH RIVERS CUOMO IN A HOT TUB WHILE SINGING OPERAS WEEZER RED ALBUM.

Ay yi yi yi!

How does this make me feel? See below: