I'm no stranger to a good snarky rant about all things sugary, religious, heartwarming, and just below the lacy surface completely and totally sexist bullshit. It's no secret that my homeland of Salt Lake City is not the world's leading champion of gender equality. At best it's a modern Jane Austen novel, trying to make the best match with the most handsome return missionary before we're old maids.
Speaking of Jane Austen, do yourself a favor and NEVER WATCH THIS.
At worst, you're seeing the 2011 version of this:
Nowhere is this more palpably obvious than in the touching (nauseating) poem I first saw framed on a friend's wall many years ago. It wasn't the first time I've seen it, and unfortunately, many more little girls are going to be decorating their rooms with this (and those marvelous Mormonads!) for generations to come.
Meet My Three White Dresses! The rallying cry to be all that you can be! To know that you as a girl are unique, dynamic, able to do anything you want with your life!
Just kidding. It's about getting married and having babies.
My mom bought me a white dress,
Not red or pink or blue.
She said it was a special dress
Like very other few.
There has been just one before,
A dress now put away.
That I wore sometime ago upon my blessing day.
As a little baby clothed in my first white dress,
My dad held me in his arms, there to name and bless.
So pure and clean was I just then,
With time to grow and learn
About the Father's plan for me.
My glory I must earn.
Now I've reached the age to judge the wrong road from the right,
And I am here to be baptized in this dress of white.
So once again I'm free from sin,
The path is clear to me.
I'll grasp the road and hold on tight,
I vow with certainty.
Just as mud would stain my dress,
Sin would stain my soul.
The key is to repent or bleach,
For whiteness is my goal.
And if I try my very best,
Then richly blessed I'll be,
Wearing inside God's holy house
White dress number three.
So today I make this pledge:
I'll strive to choose the right,
Through this sacred baptism ordinance
In my second dress of white.
Am I opposed to marriage? No. Do I hate children? No. Well, only when they make that horrible screaming sound while I'm trying to concentrate on something important like buying things I don't need at Target or have the sheer bad luck of being dragged by their idiot parents to the movie theatre to see such family classics as Your Highness. or Jurassic Park. No, not joking. I witnessed both of these events, and I'm sure they took some interesting information to Kindergarten with them the next day.
Three important milestones in a woman's life? Sure. I can't help but notice there's no picture of a college graduation cap in this sort of artwork. I don't see a white lab coat, or doctor's scrubs, or a military dress uniform, or even a sports uniform. Feminine, sweet, dresses. All white. White symbolizes purity, but it's also blank. Every woman has three. White. Blank. Dresses. None of these "accomplishments" involve a brain, or a set of skills, or a personal goal or individual, all about you dream. Because if you don't have these three dresses in your metaphorical closet, you've missed something. None of these celebrate an obstacle you've overcome, an opponent you faced down, a mountain you climbed. They represent you doing exactly the same things as every other good little girl at the exact right moments. Born + baptized + married = your legacy.
What if one of those dresses isn't in the closet? Does that make you...less? Again, I am a huge fan of marriage when people are truly in love and when the time is right. Go marriage, as I always say! (I don't actually say that.) Marriage doesn't mean you can't do any other career-minded thing you as a woman want to do. And most men (hopefully) aren't going to steal your shoes the minute you cross the threshold and lock you in the kitchen. There are as many fantastic gents in this world as there are dames. I have the privilege of attending three weddings this summer and they're each and every one a fantastic, mad, marvelous idea. But what if, by Three White Dresses logic, what if you're not ready to get married, or if you've never met the right man...does that mean, as the song suggests, you didn't "try really hard" enough to get married?
But why address these issues? Here, whilst I take a few minutes to stretch my legs, burn some bras, and stomp around in mannish shoes bossing people around until they turn gay, take a look at some of the people on the other side of the issue. THREE WHITE DRESS FANS, ASSEMBLE!
Wedding cake!
More cake!
Wedding idea stuff!
For your wall!
Creepy video! Also, there's a song now apparently!
And last but not least,
Somehow this showed up in my google search and it scares me!
So that's that. I've snarked my piece and I'm now off to watch my stories on the television.
I leave you with one final, profound, meaningful, totally not pointless thought that sums up every logical argument I've made here as a grown-up...
If Three White Dresses and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding had a baby, it would look like this.
