I have a confession. I am publicly proclaiming my love for a certain film about John Cusack outrunning the end of the world in everything from an RV to an airplane to a landlocked boat full of wolves in New York City. Actually, that one was actually Day After Tomorrow, but I digress...what is important here is the Roland Emmerich formula. The END OF THE WORLD is on it's way. Be it killer frost, killer aliens, or killer earthquakes/tornados/whatever the hell happens in 2012, there are always signs. Mankind is ignoring the omens popping up all around them. It's the job of a few eccentrics, generally played by actors who go crazy later in life, to point out what all the little problems are and help us connect the dots.
I think I might have take up the mantle of a Randy Quaid, if you will. Or a Woody Harrelson. I have to bring you the news that something is very very wrong..
STUPID FASHION IS HAPPENING!
You want to say to me "Oh, yeah, Snuggies." or "Oh, yeah, Booty Pop."
Well...
1. I warned you all about Booty Pop.
2. There is a fashion apocalypse on it's way if we don't do something.
I need your help! If you don't I'm going to have to look at some of this crap in Rite Aid for years to come. Aren't Bump-Its and Snuggies stupid enough for you? The more "fashion" crap they sell, the less shelf-space there are for seasonal chocolate snacks I eat alone in my car!
You want proof of what's going on? Here. Here's your proof, PROFESSOR DORKFACE.
1. Pajama Jeans. You're not tricking anyone. We all know you're still too lazy to put on pants. You spent extra money online to buy pajamas that look like you have the amazing time management and muscular ability to pull on a pair of fucking jeans. I wonder what Cameltoe Camouflage Panel technology the second generation of these little nightmares will feature. Because you know deep in your terrified heart the first generation won't. Am I bashing the skinny jeans? The Jeggings, if you will? No. I am a Hipster, and I love them as I would love my ironically-named children if I had any.* Because pajamas and pants are different things. Wear pants all the time, and you're a never-nude. Wear pajamas all the time, and you're either a college freshman or someone featured on Cops or Hoarders.
2. Forever Lazy
"Hey, honey! I love this Snuggie you got me for Christmas, but I need something with a hoodie so I can go to the game with my bros! Oh, and put a zipper in it! We both know I'm not going to wear actually clothing under this, and I don't want to have to get totally naked in order to use the can. Put a side and butt zipper in. I don't want to accidentally use any butt muscles leaning in any particular direction either. Wait, honey! You accidentally handed me divorce papers instead of that Lazy thing I asked for! Where are you going?"
And now, I save for last the most creatively stupid thing I've ever seen that amused me, and then immediately pissed me right the fuck off. It's creative, but it's also a slap in the face to all women who have serious fears and experiences with the dangers and risk of attack. It belittles us with a chuckle and wink in the way only the Southern Baptists or Japanese can do.
3. Coke Machine Disguise.
Do I give her massive points for creativity? Yes. This would be the best damn Halloween Costume at any party. I'd enjoy watching it happen in a Bond film, as soon as they solve the problem of the feet peeking out from underneath the "vending machine."
You've heard of hiding in plain sight.
Well, a fashion designer has come up with a more colourful way for worried women to blend into a busy street to elude a pursuer.
We've had mini-skirts, skorts, pencils and midis. Now there's the vending machine skirt.
It's definitely not the real thing, but Aya Tsukioka's skirt doubles as a disguise to make the wearer look like a Coca Cola machine.
Aya Tsukioka's skirt aims to make the wearer look like a Coca Cola vending machine...
Ms Tsukioka, 29, unveiled her design in Tokyo by claiming she hopes it will help ease women's fear of crime.
She lifted a flap on the skirt to expose a large sheet of cloth printed with the familiar bright red Coca Cola logo.
By unfolding the sheet and stepping to the side of the street, she showed how a woman walking alone could hide behind it to outfox a potential attacker.
Aya Tsukioka unveils her design in Tokyo. She hopes it will help ease women's fear of crime
Her deluxe model even boasts four sides for a more complete cover.
The experimental clothes designer has already sold 20 of the £400 hand-sewn vending machine skirts and it hoping to market the design worldwide.
She says the idea was inspired by a trick used by Japanese ninja assassins, who cloaked themselves in black blankets so they couldn't be seen at night.
Again, all well and good and clever in theory. Until you start thinking about the plausibility of this actually working. I doubt anyone is stupid enough actually try this little trick while being pursued by a menacing rapist or mugger. I can't think of a villain stupid enough to fall for this one who didn't exist purely as a Hanna Barbera cartoon character. However, the point remains that marketing this as a safety device is akin to handing people designer fanny packs aboard an ocean liner and being told the bags "could be used" as flotation devices.
It seemed trivial but unintentional, until I reached this little dose of pure disturb:
While British women might prefer to take self-defence classes, Ms Tsukioka said: It is just easier for Japanese to hide. Making a scene would be too embarrassing.
She admits that making the switch from skirt to vending machine might prove a little tricky "especially when your hands are shaking".
You're right, Ms Tsukioka. I'll be sure to let all the women who fended off their rapists, who screamed and fought so hard they saved their own lives know that they needn't have EMBARASSED THEMSELVES. If they stood in a corner hiding in a glorified sleeping bag and trembling, things would have been so much more comfortable for everyone.
Fuck this lady.
If you want some real information about the unique and traumatic history of violence and threats women face day after day, generation after generation, statistically undefended, unprotected, or held responsible, please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Then find this woman, make her put on this little security device, and elbow her directly in the Cokes. Now that's embarrassing.
All for now! I'm off to stand on a street corner with a sign and megaphone, shouting gibberish at random buildings.
*Arrow, Eleanor Rigby, Freedom, Sirius Black, Ninja, Monster, Abraham Lincoln, Softyclaws.
