Patriotism is Undrinkable

I noticed a week ago that one of our neighborhood fancyvans has undergone a sad transformation. There's a fleet of advertising vehicles that park up and down our street. One house has a portable dog grooming business van. There's two AAA trucks. There's a car that says MA MOTOK on the vanity plate. I can only assume he's a professional Druid and that means something about runes or Stonehenge or something. I've never seen them to ask. And there used to be this stirring creature, a white van emblazoned with a hearty name! OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! It's AMERICA'S BEST ENERGY DRINK! It's the drink of patriots! I bet if George Washington had lived in a time when energy drinks had been invented, he'd have left the Red Bulls and Rock Stars to the damn Hessians and Redcoats. He'd have had a nice hearty swig of OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! before crossing the Delaware.

Well unfortunately for George Washington and all the people he would have saved if he'd had such a thing to prep himself pre-battle, OL' GLORY ENERGY DRINK! is no more. At least the van on my street is no more. All the bright mobile red-white-and-blue is torn off. The wicked fierce eagle heads on the two back windows of the rear doors have flown away.



The American dream is dying. At least the drinkable one. I blame that communist energy drink all the kids who voted for Obama are drinking these days.

Hillary in the Hizzouse!!

Today is a happy day for me. Why? Because my homegirl Hillary is in the house! The White House, that is! Ha ha ha! For those of you at home, that is my triumphant laugh. I am an unapologetic Hillary Clinton fan. I think she's awesome and rad. I think she's got what it takes to get shit done. She's not one of the cute-as-a-button, mascot-to-the-big-boys gals that get trotted out whenever certain political factions want to distract everyone from their blatant sexism. (COUGH sarah palin COUGH) She's a grown woman who doesn't worry about looking sweet or cute or gracious when she's in the ring. She worries about getting shit done. God forbid a woman get agressive or gasp! unladylike! She must be a raging bull-dyke!

She's a lightening rod for all those pompous old men who want women in their place, even if they are silly enough to be in political office. Certain people in this country believe wholeheartedly, women, that you can be in office, as long as you're spending all your free time cooking moose chili for your children, and their..um....love child, and not pushing your own career forward or reading up on the issues. She pulls all their fears of strong non-adorable women out of the woodwork and doesn't back down from all that moldy spiteful muckraking. I think Tina Fey said it all. Lets look back at it:



I'd love her as president, and I'm super mega thrilled that Obama is bringing her on board! Guess what, people! The new administration is about to kick prejudice and apathy and condescending white men IN THE FACE.

But not literally. I mean the white men part. No kicking of them. Althought some of them, I would love to see that too. I would PAY to see that, actually.

Twenty bucks, people. Twenty bucks to kick this guy in the face.



BEGIN.

Absolutely no deep thinking required...

Just awesome things. I've watched all of these at least five times in the past week. I'm not even the tiniest bit ashamed to admit it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

HAMSTER ON A PIANO!



GEORGE WASHINGTON! And his Mason Ring and schnauzer and his PERFECT HANDS!


DOBERMAN ON A WATER SLIDE!



and finally, I leave you with the disconcerting sounds of SCREAMING PUG!



Ha ha ha! Earsplitting!

You can all thank me later for this happy break in your productive schedule. I know you're happy. You're welcome.

No Retirement for Old Jews

So over on Beverly and Fairfax is a delightful cheapie theatre. It isn't a good-old-fashioned Salt Lake dollar theater (or "The Dollars" as we called em) but its the LA equivalent and just as fashionably run-down. While moseying over to watch me some Religilous (hilarious, btw) I walked past a place I've been walking past for ages when I worked over at Duck Soup (or "The Soup" as I called it) at Farmer's Market. To get to and from my car when I park on this particular street, I have to walk down a portion of street I refer to as Retirement Alley. You'll notice there are a plethora of nicknames in my life. Sue me. Two retirement homes are right across the street from each other, and apparently one of the favorite games of everyone in both of these buildings is Sit Out Front and Stare Blankly at Everyone Sitting in Front of the Opposite Old Folks Home!! I don't know how the point system works, but everyone seems really into it.

So imagine my surprise when I realize that one of these buildings seems to have lost its entire team...what was once SHALOM RETIREMENT HOTEL, formerly a mecca of old wrinkly Jews, has become...

SILVERADO SENIOR LIVING!

Yeehaw! I reckon we drove out all them Jews and are ready to settle this fine street with old cowboys of our own!

And the place isn't being slowly remodeled. EVERYONE IS GONE. Where did they go? Don't worry, I won't make a Warsaw joke. I'd rather not go to Hell today.

Listen the F*** up to Keith Olbermann

History Repeats Itself

Some people see my bookshelf, or catch me reading a book on my downtime, and ask "Um...is this for a history class?" Because apparently it isn't normal for me to relish reading The History of the Wife or The Fasting Girl the way most people suck up the Oprah Book Club selections. What I have to say to you is this... A) I with I was still in mo-fo school, but I'm too damn poor. B) History repeats itself, and if you don't know, you'll be baffled by what happens in our day and age. C) When these things happen, there's always a huge chunk of the population who start ranting about the DOWNFALL OF SOCIETY! THE LOOSENESS OF OUR MORALS! THE END TIMES! You all just want to think you're so damn special God saved all the fireworks for the years YOU spend on this earth..because all the schmucks who came before didn't have ANYTHING heavy to handle themselves to earn the Second Coming.

Put down your copy of Left Behind, turn off Fox News, and actually pick up a history book. Want examples of the things we think the KIDS TODAY or THE SINFUL WORLD today has invented in our lifetimes? Here you go, drama queens!

1. Horrible agricultural disasters like what's happening in Asia!

2. "Unnatural" marriages that will corrupt society! So morally disgusting!

3. Freaky faux-scientific cults!

4. Scam new age religions!

5. religions that are loosely based on Biblical teachings!

6. Freaky liberal lesbionic women who probably have penises!

7. Someone who is totally definitely the Antichrist! Who else could possibly be more evil! We've got the most evil guy for the job!

8. Society dealing with ABORTION!

So get over yourselves.

Thanksgiving Treats with Vincent Price

Clever Things = Lola Happy

Check it out! I'm on a skateboard! (Kudos to Paul for this one.)



And this as well...I found this a few months ago but never put it up (I don't think. I'm too lazy to check the archives.) and now I can't find the original story. Luckily for me, Boingboing.net put it up for me to steal. Someone filled this thing with mini-adventures you can take across NYC, map or clues. The day I have a bit of cash and I can get my hands on some free time and a gumball machine, I plan on doing something like this. Fo real.

We Are Wizards!

Anyone who knows me well has had to listen to my favorite iPod playlist. Right below my Disney Channel playlist and the new weirdo jams burned for me by Hannah is an enthusiastically titled WIZARD ROCK!!!!!

Want to know more? Then I have a new documentary for you!



We Are Wizards explores the world of this superfun library-rocking, Potter-loving, awesomeness. There's no room to look like a badass, just room to play and geek out!
Get a little Wrock in your life. Even if you're like The Roommate, and my latest Parselmouths tune causes her to shriek "Is this MORE Wizard Rock???" You can enjoy a good documentary. So either way you'll be learning something. Don't you like to learn?

Of course you do.

I founds it!

I've been lusting after another gander at sketch series from SNL from a few years past, and now NBC was kind enough to slap more of it up for me!



Thanks SNL! You're my best friend!

Oh, yeah, and SOME GUY GOT ELECTED!