Why? Nona?

Sometimes I think the internet makes things just because they're perfect for The Unwinona. This is one of them from the sexy bitchlets at Regretsy. Regretsy, you always treat me so good...

Janice Kapp Post-Traumatic-Musical-Disorder

Welcome to a small slice of hell. I mean, inspirational Mormon "pop" music. No, I meant hell.



I found this looking for obliviously hilarious Janice Kapp Perry cover art (is there any other kind?) to submit to Jesus of the Week and I swear to all that is holy and covered in floral shoulder pads, I can't tell if this is supposed to be funny or if she's totally legit weeping there at the end. I've seen enough tearful Sunday morning performances of this sugary pile of lyrics to really question myself on this particular video. For the moment I'm inclined to believe she's for real.

And I'm not in the slightest ashamed to admit that I've done my time as a soldier in the Janice Kapp Perry Army. Not ashamed because I wasn't a volunteer. I was FUCKING DRAFTED. The same sadistic female parent who dragged my sorry ass to piano lessons under screaming protest for years on end decided, one day out of the blue, to sign me up for a Wednesday night Young Womens choir. I'm still not clear what the purpose of these choir nights was. There was no recital or presentation planned as far as I know. To be honest I didn't pay too much attention. I didn't plan on staying that long. Honestly, I think some mom got it into her head that if she didn't provide the teenagers a wholesome supervised activity we'd all start shooting heroin and french-kissing each other.

If memory serves, I only went twice. Maybe three times. They blur together. I remember picking at my skirt (because of course Jesus didn't want us singing about the wonders of being women all tarted up like lesbians in blue jeans!)and mumbling as quietly as possible to avoid being picked for any sort of solo. Two excruciating hours later I got to go home. With schmaltzy little songs in my head, looping over, and over, and over. To this day, against my will, I remember all the damn words to "I Walk By Faith" and it makes me cry too, flower lady. Because I'm trying not to laugh.

That said, I did find some truly gag-inducing J-Kapp cover art! (Also, a link to an evening of theater scientifically designed to stun, or possibly kill.) Let the heart-warming...BEGIN!









We'll end things with this inspiring reminder to Walk in the Light! Brought to you by the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

Snake-Oil You Can Wear!

Did I mention it's full of MOONBEAM UNICORN JUICE POWER??

Seriously, who's buying this shit?! I bet whoever it is keeps the healing crystal and moonshine cure-all (the secret ingredient is alcohol!)industries in business too.

Don't buy this stupid bracelet. Do your gullible ass a favor and buy this instead. Lest history repeat itself messily all over another American pocketbook.

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

So I'm sure you've all been a-tingle here in Cyberland with anticipation to see some Undead Unwinona all up on this blog..and why not? Zombies are where it's at, unless you're some sort of joyless celibate Twilight vampire, in which case you can FUCK RIGHT OFF. I said it. They wouldn't, a Mormon writes those books. Ha ha! Take that you sparkly bastards! I may not live forever, but at least I can use SWEARS!

*ahem* Anyway...

Zombies! Here! (If you fall in love with any of the looks in this ragtag ensemble army of ghouls, please to buy them here! Scream Team.com!)













Brainfully yours,
Unwinona!

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (A Preview)

The lovely Kelly, Lex and Adam give you a ahem "taste" of photos to come from the fine fiends at The Scream Team! Shambling through Old Towne Pasadena yesterday was a lovely range of decaying friends bent on devouring every amused busboy and window-shopper...and every moment of our monsterhood was documented for your viewing pleasure! Seriously, kids, we're cooking up some amazing things for Halloween this year, and you can own some of the genius for your own spookytimes! How's that for a slice of fried gold?

More to come!

Yours with brainssss,

(recently undead) Unwinona!

House House Party Party #1 with Nina Storey

So the ever-lovely Nina Storey, along with the gang from White Lights and Magnolia Memoir, and the ever-energetic Max Golberg descended upon House House tonight to record what is several hours of pure web-streaming delight. For those of you who weren't there to witness it firsthand, here's the re-run. And next time you'll know to be there for the real thing, ready to chat at us, won't you?

BEGIN!

(Useful Hint: I'm the one in the background eating snacks, and only playing things that rattle easily.)

That's Math-tastic!

Sweet CrumbleCakes, did I use to love sitting down in front of my tv to watch an evening episode of Square One! What Schoolhouse Rock did for english and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? did for geography, Square One did for math...made it tolerable.

I enjoyed the adventures of the Mathnet Squad, the cameo appearances of the fast-talking Micro Machines guy doing rapid fire math problems, and the fact that beacause it was a math show, my mother wouldn't make me turn it off and do something "productive" with my time. I think she was hoping that unlike Mr Belvedere, Square One would make me want to grow up to be a brilliant mathmetician. As we all know, Mr Belvedere was a wise-cracking butler, and therefore a terible role model. Also, he lied and told the kids he invented Double Stuf Oreos that one time and is therefore a liar and a common servant. He probably stole the good silver too. Not the occupation a 10 year old girl should be aspiring to.

No, Square One was the better choice. Although I still somehow finished high school with the math comprehension of a second-grader in the "before" segment of a Sylvan Learning Center commercial, I nevertheless loved my time spent with the Square One gang. So I leave you with this simple question:

Is it fair to use geometry in a court of law?