Things I learned from Rescue Rangers

Don't join cults because THEY'RE BAD.

Also, don't drink the soda. Dare I suspect someone in the script room at Disney had Jonestown on their mind?

SNL lives on, and is totally awesome.

Examples? Examples.

My Latest "B" Crush

Safe to say that while Bruce Campbell will always be the king--and in Bubba-Ho-Tep, literally The King-- I think I've found the next prince of the Sci-Fi Channel prom. He's yet to do one of the infamous Sci-Fi tv movies, but he's headed that way. Meet Jason Behr:



He was in The Grudge, yes. An excellently put-together movie. But Bruce Campbell had the genius of Evil Dead. He had Roswell, a pretty successful tv series. Bruce Campbell rocked Xena and Hercules. The road to B-movies is paved with good horror projects.

Why Jason?

1. Dragon Wars (or D-Wars)
2. Skinwalkers

Enough said. Here's to you, Jason Behr. And all those alien/killer shark/killer bees/piranha/apocalypse movies I see in your future...

and let's be honest, kinda-sorta-really hoping to star in them with you.

Someone decided to spice up a hymnal...

...and that spice was LSD. Seriously, someone was busting out some mad rhymes for the Episcopal hymnal hit parade, decided to stop to pop a few 'shrooms and listen to Yellow Submarine. When he came down a few hours later, he realized he was clutching a pen and bar napkin in his hand. And THIS was written on that napkin.

Communal Hymn 463

1. He is the Way
Follow him through the Land of Un-like-ness;
You will see rare beasts
and have unique adventures.

2. He is the Truth.
Seek him in the Kingdom of Anxiety:
You will come to a great city
that has expected your return for years.

3. He is the Life.
Love him in the World of the Flesh:
and at your marriage all its occasions
shall dance for joy.

What? What?! What?!?!

I'm going to hit some key points here:

1. Is this based on The Bible, or GULLIVER'S TRAVELS?

2. Rare beasts? Like, ostriches? A platypus? A liger? We're going on safari to heaven?

3. Unique adventures? Sounds like a bad translation of the title of a Japanese tv show. Or a brand of condom. Yes, I was thinking about condoms in church. I'm a very bad person who needs to go to more church to clean out my gutterbrain.

4. The Kingdom of ANXIETY? That sounds terrible! Why would I want to go there? Apprently its full of people who've expected my return for years. Waiting for years for someone to show up IN THE KINGDOM OF ANXIETY? Don't they have enough of their own anxiety, they have to wait for me to show up? Are they freaking out, thinking I'm gonna be late, or that they gave me the wrong directions? I bet all their heads are exploding right now from the stress.

and I saved the most disturbing part for last..

5. Love him in The World Of FLESH??? Love Jesus where? Thailand? How can this be seen as anything other than horrifically dirty?

WHAT?

Tornadoes go best with a dash of Campbell...

BRUCE Campbell! Tornado! was made right about the time Twister was, with a special effects budget of, oh, I don't know, maybe two cents, food stamps, and a cracker. But you know what Twister doesn't have?

That's right. Bruce Shinyteeth Sexypants McBruce McCampbell. I give it two thumbs and a can of Axe Body spray up!

Why else should you see it? Because I'll throw in the black Ghostbuster for free free free!




So shut up and watch it!

I Don't Know What It Is...

...but somehow, every time I have to put new oil in my car (the only thing I know how to do under a hood, really) and my sleeves are all rolled up, and there's a smudge of grease on my face, because my eyebrow always gets itchy when there's oil on my hands for some reason, I feel like Kaylee. And that is an awesome happy feeling.

Death By Chocolate!

If I ever have to stare into the cold, unforgiving eyes of the Grim Reaper, I hope he looks a little something like Ashton Kutcher in a chocolate bar costume. I think it will make the whole process a little easier for me. Because, hey, I like hot guys, and I L-O-V-E love chcolate.