Disney has some cartoon skeletons in theys closet...

Alladin? Beauty and the Beast? Sure, there's the ever-present knowledge that while Splash Mountain is covered with Brer Rabbit and Brer Fox, the friendly black slave who whistled along with them as he strolled the plantation telling stories to happy white children in the film Song of the South, is not available on DVD.



But chain-smoking, verbally abusive, perpetually cranky old Uncle Walt also brought about a few more treats that won't find their way onto Disney giftshop merch....

Lets begin!

1. Remember Sunflower? The happy little black centaur from Fantasia who prances in the orchestrated grass and....helps all the tall aryan centauresses get ready? Don't remember her? She's vanished like she never was. But here she is.





2. During the war years, animation took a break from creating a happy wonderland, and took us all on a tour of Nazi Germany. Um, cool?



And now you know. Disneyland, anyone? I want to hop on Indiana Jones and pretend Shia LaBeouf is whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

Save the Date

Things to do between now and mid-June:

1. Read Mortified

2. Read Mortified: Love is a Battlefield

3. Come see ME! onstage with the wonderful folks at Mortified Live! on June 19th in Hollywood!

4. Then confess your love for Mr. Belvedere. No, seriously, do it. After all, he did invent the Double-Stuf Oreo.

Pork and Beans and The Vars!

WEEZER RED ALBUM. WEEZER MOTHER FUCKING RED ALBUM. MAKE OUT WITH RIVERS CUOMO IN A HOT TUB WHILE SINGING OPERAS WEEZER RED ALBUM.

Ay yi yi yi!

How does this make me feel? See below:

Things I learned from Rescue Rangers

Don't join cults because THEY'RE BAD.

Also, don't drink the soda. Dare I suspect someone in the script room at Disney had Jonestown on their mind?

SNL lives on, and is totally awesome.

Examples? Examples.

My Latest "B" Crush

Safe to say that while Bruce Campbell will always be the king--and in Bubba-Ho-Tep, literally The King-- I think I've found the next prince of the Sci-Fi Channel prom. He's yet to do one of the infamous Sci-Fi tv movies, but he's headed that way. Meet Jason Behr:



He was in The Grudge, yes. An excellently put-together movie. But Bruce Campbell had the genius of Evil Dead. He had Roswell, a pretty successful tv series. Bruce Campbell rocked Xena and Hercules. The road to B-movies is paved with good horror projects.

Why Jason?

1. Dragon Wars (or D-Wars)
2. Skinwalkers

Enough said. Here's to you, Jason Behr. And all those alien/killer shark/killer bees/piranha/apocalypse movies I see in your future...

and let's be honest, kinda-sorta-really hoping to star in them with you.

Someone decided to spice up a hymnal...

...and that spice was LSD. Seriously, someone was busting out some mad rhymes for the Episcopal hymnal hit parade, decided to stop to pop a few 'shrooms and listen to Yellow Submarine. When he came down a few hours later, he realized he was clutching a pen and bar napkin in his hand. And THIS was written on that napkin.

Communal Hymn 463

1. He is the Way
Follow him through the Land of Un-like-ness;
You will see rare beasts
and have unique adventures.

2. He is the Truth.
Seek him in the Kingdom of Anxiety:
You will come to a great city
that has expected your return for years.

3. He is the Life.
Love him in the World of the Flesh:
and at your marriage all its occasions
shall dance for joy.

What? What?! What?!?!

I'm going to hit some key points here:

1. Is this based on The Bible, or GULLIVER'S TRAVELS?

2. Rare beasts? Like, ostriches? A platypus? A liger? We're going on safari to heaven?

3. Unique adventures? Sounds like a bad translation of the title of a Japanese tv show. Or a brand of condom. Yes, I was thinking about condoms in church. I'm a very bad person who needs to go to more church to clean out my gutterbrain.

4. The Kingdom of ANXIETY? That sounds terrible! Why would I want to go there? Apprently its full of people who've expected my return for years. Waiting for years for someone to show up IN THE KINGDOM OF ANXIETY? Don't they have enough of their own anxiety, they have to wait for me to show up? Are they freaking out, thinking I'm gonna be late, or that they gave me the wrong directions? I bet all their heads are exploding right now from the stress.

and I saved the most disturbing part for last..

5. Love him in The World Of FLESH??? Love Jesus where? Thailand? How can this be seen as anything other than horrifically dirty?

WHAT?