Unless you're that new (again?!) Dean Koontz book he cranked out in three days (again?!) all about yet another guy who is lovingly described as wearing a ballcap, tapered jeans, white sneakers and a windbreaker. And Windbreaker Man's got a dog. And Windbreaker Man and Golden Retriever are chasing/being chased by some guy/woman/baby with NO FACE. In that case, feel free to take a picture of the back of someone's head and paste it on a book jacket! Have fun, Deany-K!
In conclusion, learn the lesson that Bonnie Tyler tried to teach you years ago. Right about the time Windbreaker Man's outfit was anywhere near socially relevant. Plus, think about it; If you're hiding from No-Face, isn't the world's noisiest jacket the worst possible choice? Why not just hang windchimes from your ears and wave trashbags in the air while shouting your exact location? Good thing he's got that psychic dog that can fly or whatever is happening in this one. I don't remember.
So here you go, Dean. Any time you want to--OH HOLY ZEUS BALLS--
I have a confession. I am publicly proclaiming my love for a certain film about John Cusack outrunning the end of the world in everything from an RV to an airplane to a landlocked boat full of wolves in New York City. Actually, that one was actually Day After Tomorrow, but I digress...what is important here is the Roland Emmerich formula. The END OF THE WORLD is on it's way. Be it killer frost, killer aliens, or killer earthquakes/tornados/whatever the hell happens in 2012, there are always signs. Mankind is ignoring the omens popping up all around them. It's the job of a few eccentrics, generally played by actors who go crazy later in life, to point out what all the little problems are and help us connect the dots.
I think I might have take up the mantle of a Randy Quaid, if you will. Or a Woody Harrelson. I have to bring you the news that something is very very wrong..
STUPID FASHION IS HAPPENING!
You want to say to me "Oh, yeah, Snuggies." or "Oh, yeah, Booty Pop."
I need your help! If you don't I'm going to have to look at some of this crap in Rite Aid for years to come. Aren't Bump-Its and Snuggies stupid enough for you? The more "fashion" crap they sell, the less shelf-space there are for seasonal chocolate snacks I eat alone in my car!
You want proof of what's going on? Here. Here's your proof, PROFESSOR DORKFACE.
1. Pajama Jeans. You're not tricking anyone. We all know you're still too lazy to put on pants. You spent extra money online to buy pajamas that look like you have the amazing time management and muscular ability to pull on a pair of fucking jeans. I wonder what Cameltoe Camouflage Panel technology the second generation of these little nightmares will feature. Because you know deep in your terrified heart the first generation won't. Am I bashing the skinny jeans? The Jeggings, if you will? No. I am a Hipster, and I love them as I would love my ironically-named children if I had any.* Because pajamas and pants are different things. Wear pants all the time, and you're a never-nude. Wear pajamas all the time, and you're either a college freshman or someone featured on Cops or Hoarders.
"Hey, honey! I love this Snuggie you got me for Christmas, but I need something with a hoodie so I can go to the game with my bros! Oh, and put a zipper in it! We both know I'm not going to wear actually clothing under this, and I don't want to have to get totally naked in order to use the can. Put a side and butt zipper in. I don't want to accidentally use any butt muscles leaning in any particular direction either. Wait, honey! You accidentally handed me divorce papers instead of that Lazy thing I asked for! Where are you going?"
And now, I save for last the most creatively stupid thing I've ever seen that amused me, and then immediately pissed me right the fuck off. It's creative, but it's also a slap in the face to all women who have serious fears and experiences with the dangers and risk of attack. It belittles us with a chuckle and wink in the way only the Southern Baptists or Japanese can do.
Do I give her massive points for creativity? Yes. This would be the best damn Halloween Costume at any party. I'd enjoy watching it happen in a Bond film, as soon as they solve the problem of the feet peeking out from underneath the "vending machine."
You've heard of hiding in plain sight. Well, a fashion designer has come up with a more colourful way for worried women to blend into a busy street to elude a pursuer. We've had mini-skirts, skorts, pencils and midis. Now there's the vending machine skirt. It's definitely not the real thing, but Aya Tsukioka's skirt doubles as a disguise to make the wearer look like a Coca Cola machine.
Aya Tsukioka's skirt aims to make the wearer look like a Coca Cola vending machine... Ms Tsukioka, 29, unveiled her design in Tokyo by claiming she hopes it will help ease women's fear of crime. She lifted a flap on the skirt to expose a large sheet of cloth printed with the familiar bright red Coca Cola logo. By unfolding the sheet and stepping to the side of the street, she showed how a woman walking alone could hide behind it to outfox a potential attacker. Aya Tsukioka unveils her design in Tokyo. She hopes it will help ease women's fear of crime Her deluxe model even boasts four sides for a more complete cover. The experimental clothes designer has already sold 20 of the £400 hand-sewn vending machine skirts and it hoping to market the design worldwide. She says the idea was inspired by a trick used by Japanese ninja assassins, who cloaked themselves in black blankets so they couldn't be seen at night.
Again, all well and good and clever in theory. Until you start thinking about the plausibility of this actually working. I doubt anyone is stupid enough actually try this little trick while being pursued by a menacing rapist or mugger. I can't think of a villain stupid enough to fall for this one who didn't exist purely as a Hanna Barbera cartoon character. However, the point remains that marketing this as a safety device is akin to handing people designer fanny packs aboard an ocean liner and being told the bags "could be used" as flotation devices.
It seemed trivial but unintentional, until I reached this little dose of pure disturb:
While British women might prefer to take self-defence classes, Ms Tsukioka said: It is just easier for Japanese to hide.Making a scene would be too embarrassing. She admits that making the switch from skirt to vending machine might prove a little tricky "especially when your hands are shaking".
You're right, Ms Tsukioka. I'll be sure to let all the women who fended off their rapists, who screamed and fought so hard they saved their own lives know that they needn't have EMBARASSED THEMSELVES. If they stood in a corner hiding in a glorified sleeping bag and trembling, things would have been so much more comfortable for everyone.
Fuck this lady.
If you want some real information about the unique and traumatic history of violence and threats women face day after day, generation after generation, statistically undefended, unprotected, or held responsible, please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Then find this woman, make her put on this little security device, and elbow her directly in the Cokes. Now that's embarrassing.
All for now! I'm off to stand on a street corner with a sign and megaphone, shouting gibberish at random buildings.
Spent a week in Manhattan, which was...well, it was thrills on toast is what it was. We spent New Years in Times Square!
We also stayed in an apartment with less space than mine (albeit a far superior view) that cost more than I'll make in three lifetimes...and a fucking masterpiece in the lobby.
Oh, hey, look, it's a bunch of cool flowers sculpted onto a canvas! Pretty great. I'll ignore it for two days. Day three I'll get all up close and realize...
It's made of toys. The flowers are made of colored plastic toys and disposable items. There's an Alien. There's a McNugget. LOOK. AT. THEM.
I'm in love with it. I want to pry something off and keep it as a souvenir. I want to make my own that will look like a Happy Meal traffic jam with fatalities. I love Tom Deininger a lot.Look at more of his cool shit. You owe it to yourself.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy three pounds of glue sticks.
In case you missed it the last time around, this was spotted lurking outside my neighborhood Walgreens in October:
I'd been hoping to see it again, maybe steal more flyers out of the display case (Yes, there was a display case attached to the car) but it seemed to have vanished into the ether, like some sort of plumbing fairy. So imagine my delight when I saw, whilst driving home....
CRAZY SHOWER 2.0!
They've upgraded!
"Toilet paper leaves you dirty, No?" -Gandhi
They care about the environment! Eliminating all that toilet paper waste will relieve the strain on the natural environment of that most endangered of animals, the....
Possum?
Out of all the animals your clip art program had to offer--pandas, lions, elephants, herons, even bunnies! Fucking bunnies!--you went with a North Hollywood Dog-Rat? This guy?
The only disappointment in being reunited with my favorite toilet-alternative vehicle is the lack of an exterior display case. I would have taken every single one of those flyers. I know way too many people who still need a bidet made of cobbled-together supplies from Home Depot.
Unwinona is going even Interwebbier! But with a real person-type face! Of me! So much more awesomeness to follow! I promise fun videos, robots, unicorns, Gary Oldman surprise cameo appearances, vacations to Hogwarts, and muffins made of world peace and a form of wheat people allergic to gluten can eat!*
Also, check out the new Save the Princess Films site which is almost sort of finished in time for the arrival of our new short film "The Greatest Adventure Yet" which is itself ALMOST SORT OF FINISHED!
I live in Hollywood. I act. I love all things Jane Austen. I live in the most beautiful and profound gutter in the world. It teaches me things about myself every day.
And I am mistaken for or compared to Winona Ryder at least once a week. I am not. I am the Unwinona.
